: I’ve never felt so engaged with readings. I am so completely focused. I feel like I am one with the words on this paper as they flow out of my head like water splaying from a fantastically abundant brook.
This is why I love philosophy—It brings my brain some semblance of clarity. It makes me think, and think hard, about things I care about. It is 2:30 am, and I don’t want this paper to end.
Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?
My family, the sun hitting my face, the memories in photographs, reckless abandon, you.
: You know, just to change the scene up a little bit. The awkwardness, the “indifference,” the dependency, whatever. I’m over it.
I physically cannot bring myself to go to sleep. I close my eyes, and my body says “YES, this is the right thing to do!” while my brain yells “WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” It’s the stage of delirium where everything is funny and okay and I’m just going to roll with it because I don’t have another choice.
: Sometimes I feel like I have so much life in me that I’m going to burst if I can’t get it out. But I don’t know how. I don’t know where to invest my energy. I care about so many things; at the same time, I don’t care about any thing. There is a constant pressure against the walls of my chest from my heart beating so hard for things I care about and want to do, but nothing to center myself and provide some sort of compass towards realizing those things. I know I am eager to make a difference and to change the world for good. I know I want to work for and with people. I know I want to think big. But how? By doing what? Where do I start? There’s no blueprint in my brain for this summer, let alone the next few years and beyond.
I am stuck at the crossroads of my own ambition. I’m simultaneously fueled by a need to do something and held back by the feeling that what I am about to do may not be right enough. I am stalled by my pride and arrested by my fears while I long to accelerate; I long for movement.
There is a certain freedom in ambivalence, in being able to say that everything is sort of “Up in the air.” But as exhilarating as it is, it’s terrifying. Am I so afraid? Am I just not bold enough? How do I focus my energy? What should I be doing? (I know the answer to that is “do SOMETHING, at least”)
And the most daunting of all questions:
Where do I go from here?
The following week:
